This morning Remington was in school. Wondered what for until we were summoned to a meeting in the studio. As suspected it was about the english teacher. He laid 2 options clear to us. It was pretty obvious which to take. But there were some who were so blinded by their ego, so blinded by what they think, that it made everything difficult. I was one of four named by her as "troublemakers". In actual fact I think I was quite well-behaved, no pun intended. It was because she kept shooting arrows at me, and watching my friends get shot that I may have acted abit irrationally but none so to the extent of being labelled. I know my limits in the game. Unfortunately this was an entirely different game. One where I was not so in control. Because I failed to access the character of the other player properly. I dare say it was my fault but the first mistake already proved fatal. But that was not an issue in the options. As soon as he had laid them down, I immediately knew which to take. Granted I am terribly unhappy and upset with the decision, with the past, present, and the coming future. Can I be matured and disciplined enough to put aside the past and take control of my future? But how? And will the other party do so as well? I understand it would be extremely hard for her given her 60+ years. But that wasn't what made me nearly half as disappointed and angry as I was. Human nature reared its ugly head. The selfish, impractical, stubborn... Haiz.. Why can't they see the big picture? 4 ppl whom I am disappointed in and even more so in one. Some things are just stupid to argue. Not only is it useless, it is pointless. Come on, do you think ANYONE in the class is happy about it? What makes you so special? Aren't I in the same position you are? Immature selfish brat. Ah well it's not my loss. But disappointment is very evident.
And immediately after, another dispute rose. This was not going the right way. We are not just one person alone. We are a CLASS. Granted I understand your position. But you must again see the bigger picture. Why are so many ppl blinded? Or am I the one thinking in the wrong way and others are right? Haiz. The day passed on pretty well after that though I was still brooding a little. After school the same situation arose but not so bad as there were many of us. Responsibility was forsaken and therefore the initial trouble. But this wasn't so bad coz there were less of us. And I saw more and more idiots in my class.
Went for band. Wah when they not here band is like so empty. The juniors improved a little today. The flutes were great. I was impressed hee. I still cannot understand why my section cannot show good results. We combined and there was a small problem. Of whether we were going to perform in the speech day. Great today blows are raining down at every change in day. To tell the truth I was abit tired in band. Gone were the days when the reason we came was because we loved band, and an added bonus was the friendship and comaradre. Now I feel that I go for the sake of friends, and just for the sake of going. No drive. No spirit. Feel so weary. I really wanna know WHY. To top it all off there was a final hit that made me mad. I felt that I had tried hard. No, not hard I tried my very best of my best. I'm so sorry if it's not enough. That's meant to be sarcasm by the way. What holds me together are my morals I guess. My morals to hear ppl out. To seek to understand and to give fair judgement. I sympathize with my friends and especially to Jiefang. Oh man I felt so sad. She was breaking inside and she could not let herself show it. If we did something wrong can you just tell us. You already know we are in deep shit and you wanna leave us there and what, die and bring everyone along with us?! I feel no guidance. And it really irks me when they can just shrug it off and say they want to eat. I walked off when I heard that. A hand held me though. Took alot of effort to open my ears. Now this time human nature showed a petty side. I couldn't believe how simple the problem was. And I saw the one small step that could have rectified everything. But it was too late to take that step. Band is gone for me. The only reason I will go now will be for one, and one reason only. I am duty bound to impart what I know, and to guide my section and friends. This is the only tie I have, this bond, it is a bond unbreakable. I have given myself through my life to my friends for their needs. Always. It only cost me a little. I had always believed there can be some form of return. I thought that through acts of my own I could help improve and spread goodness through human nature in some way. I now know that the effort had been mostly wasted. My belief, once standing proud and strong, unshakable, was being torn down. Luckily as the foundation is so strong it will take some doing. But it is shaky nonetheless.
The core of my being is now questioning itself. Why should I be like this? Why dun I follow other people? Why can't I just walk around, worrying about no one but myself? It pains me so much. I feel battered and shattered. I have summarized all the problems of today into what it really is.
A lack of communication. First it was teacher to student, then leader to class, now instructor to member. Thus proves the saying. "There is no such thing as a bad student. Only a bad teacher."