I feel so... depressed. Stupid things happen to stupid ppl. Today was supposed to be a great day. I was so psyched up lo. Even Jiang lao shi lesson i was abit off. So excited and so looking forward to it. The last period maths passed by damn slowly la. After that we went to play abit of basketball by request of me.
Finally it was time and the j2s came hehe. It feels like old times, setting up the stupid net. The match was ok i guess. But i guess i really ruined it all. In the first half already i sprained my ankle. All the way through i knew i was not gonna make it man. I felt like the warning lights going off but i dun know why. I only thought coz i was slightly sick with that stupid cough and stuff.
It was so fun to play with them!!! Really so happy. I think i didn't do so badly. Of course there were some things i was angry about but i just let it go. Friendly man. In the extra time i finally cracked. I passed the ball and my right calf muscle cramp. This is the first time i ever felt it and i was in sheer agony. I didn't even know what was happening. Lucky Kat help me stretch my leg. But it took so long!!! I just couldn't recover. Things happened in a blur. Then i took things slow in hopes of recovering. But no my left leg cramped. And i went down again. The pain was so blinding man. And it happened one more time to te right again. Kns i was so scared. I didn't know what the hell was going on. I saw the muscle hardened and bunch up and there was nothing i could do. Luckily coach helped during all the times. But i was in such agony that i really screamed all the time.
Our second goal was scored and i tot we won. So i got up after my third cramp and went to rest. I haven't even reached the bench when the equalizer was scored. So it went to penalty shoot-out. I went first. I seriously tot i could do it. But when i went up i was not so sure. I was so afraid i would cramp again i last minute didn't really kick properly. I have been kicking at the bottom left hand corner for like forever but today it was center. I so suck man. I tot after the match i sure kena beaten up. But in the end we won. But i really couldn't care less. This match was so weird. I felt like it shouldn't have taken place at all. Coach was so idiot la. I can swear to anything u want i asked him to come and be referee. But he claim i asked him only as a spectator. But at least he did referee. Haiz my legs were seriously so weak. Can only walk so stiffly like gonna fall down anytime. Stairs were murder but i managed to make it look like it was nothing making my way up or down.
I was really so down. Close to tears le coz i know for nothing i just ruined my legs. I deserve it man. Every time pe never run. And the stupid teacher dun even let us play games. So i have totally no exercise. Today i think the main cause is that i didn't warm up. I paid for it dearly through my nose. We went to eat at the coffeeshop outside school thankfully. I didn't really feel like going. But felt sort of obliged. It was fun anyway. Spending time with the j2s. Who by the way played extremely well. Somemore they so long no training le. I really look up to them lo. Especially Cara my senior defender haha. Haiz will really really miss them.
My depression was made even worse by the fact that terence told me joe was pissed. And it made me so mad. I just feel like fighting. I so wanna go back tkd. Take my second degree belt at last. And have an outlet for my aggressiveness. I think i know what taekwondo is for me le. But i dun. And i have to keep it all inside for a year already. Now ankle until like that. Not fit at all. How to train and spar? Not possible. I think one day i am gonna flip. On that day i will lose everything. So i gotta control.
I can now barely walk. And seriously having second thoughts bout going to chem. I can't even hobble! Going to the toilet like on the way to torture chamber. So hard to walk!!! AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so angry/frustrated/disappointed in myself!!! And i have so many reasons to be. Wah so depressing. Tml im gonna attempt to find a wa out of the mess i made. One thing is for sure. I dun deserve to be part of the team. I let everyone down. I will pay for my stupid actions. Damnit maybe i should have changed to bball. Or volleyball. Haiz gonna sleep now see tml how. Nitez ppl..